Coffee OCD

drink_coffee-dontfart

But not in crowded lifts…

Folks, thanks to our nations’ recently acquired OCD (Obsessive Coffee Disorder), handing a hot cup of instant coffee to guests at home nowadays makes me about as socially popular as a chronic farter in a crowded lift.

So far we’ve resisted joining the percolating, filtering, plunging, grinding, frothing, foaming, home barista herd. But maybe it’s time we purchased some rumbling, chrome covered, pipe, dial and whistle laden, steam producing, bean crushing boiler in order to produce thimble sized cups of coffee that won’t cause future visitors caffeinated related distress?

Now, I’d like to point out that here at Bray Manor, we’re not doling out powdered sludge. No, we buy the good stuff; the ethically grown, environmentally sustainable, hand foraged, crushed and blended, granular instant coffee.

And, I’d like to add, cream filled biscuits from a known brand. We may use instant coffee, but we are not savages!

Then, I was recently chided for adding the milk to the hot water, instead hot water to the milk and thus burning the poor, unsuspecting beans. Mortified, I apologised and made another cup straight away. I did note that his delicate taste buds didn’t detect the extra spit I’d added to his mug when he wasn’t looking, to make his brew extra foamy.

And it’s become a nightmare trying to buy coffee from a shop. I generally play it safe and order the coffee that’s like my forehead; flat and white. It’s safe to say I don’t have a preferred barista on speed dial, or my favourite blend tattooed onto my forearm just in case I’m knocked unconscious and need a life-saving latte’ infusion.

Folks, we’re turning into a nation of coffee snobs and I’m starting to think it’s time we went back to drinking plain old tea.

Mm, teapot, teabag, lemon infusion?

About Greg Bray

The scribbler behind the 'On a Lighter Note' column.
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