Surviving the Office Xmas Party

baddish-santa

Ho No No!

Folks, ‘tis the season for workplace Christmas parties, well, unless you’re unemployed, or work for yourself.

Now, I’ve survived many a boozy, workplace shindig, but too often watched in open-mouthed horror as usually sober and reserved workmates turned into yahooing maniacs after a few drinks.

So, as a public service, I’ve compiled the following list of ‘Don’ts’ for any office, factory, shopfloor and cubicle farm, Christmas party novices:

  1. Don’t go.  Frankly, most of us would rather spend quality time with people we’d rather be with e.g.: the drunks at the nearest pub.  But, if you’re expected to make an appearance, then plaster on a fake smile, mingle for the minimum amount of time necessary, then get the hell out of there; pretty much like any other work day.
  1. Don’t drink too much.  Unless you’re an airline pilot, doctor or politician, there’s a pretty good chance the Drug and Alcohol team will be onsite bright and early the next morning wanting a specimen from you.  Remember, your company might not own your soul (yet) but they can demand your body fluids.
  1. Two points: the photocopier is not load rated for anything heavier than a piece of paper and, secondly, nobody wants to see high quality, colour, copies of your backside.
  1. Taking the opportunity to loudly announce that you love your boss, a workmate, the cleaner or the stranger serving you hot snacks is not a smart career move.  Ditto for trying to kiss your co-workers, demanding a pay rise, announcing your resignation or telling the CEO ‘the Truth from the Trenches’.  Also, for some reason, fist fighting is also frowned upon.
  1. Don’t dress as a Sexy Elf or Mrs. Claus in fishnets; ladies this advice applies to you as well.
  1. Finally, resist the urge to fill your pockets with free prawns, sushi, cheerio’s or party pies because the office snitch will be watching, and even the best washing machine will struggle to filter them.

Anyway, if you follow my tips, hopefully you’ll still have your job in the New Year.

Now, get back to work!

About Greg Bray

The scribbler behind the 'On a Lighter Note' column.
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