Getting Gladstone Back On Top!

make-your-own

Why buy adult toys online when you can take matters into your own hands?!

Folks, Gladstone might not be the prettiest town on the coast, or have the highest rainfall, the smelliest mudflats or have fireworks on New Years’ Eve, but when we do something we do it really well.

So, it was with some dismay I read recently that we’ve fallen into second place when it comes to sex toy sales in Australia. Second place, as my old soccer coach used to scream, is the first loser!So, I decided to help get Gladstone back on top; figuratively speaking. Cunningly disguised in a wide brimmed hat, dark glasses, scarf and full-length overcoat, I whipped down to the nearest adult shop and popped inside; eventually.

People, here’s a handy tip: put your disguise on in the carpark, not at home, to avoid passing out from heat-stroke at the front counter.

Anyway, once the nice assistant had decided I was harmless, she put her axe handle back under the counter, revived me with a glass of water then gave me a tour of the facilities. Well, just when you think you’ve seen everything…

Folks, I was surprised to learn that the biggest sellers in the adult novelty market these days are mobile phone sex apps. Basically, ‘toys’ you plug onto your partner, which are then wired into their mobile phones. Then, using your phone, you can remotely give them little Wi-Fi thrills whenever you get the urge; whether they’re ready or not.

Note: try not to buzz them while they’re driving, at work, in a job interview, or giving a speech.

Call me old fashioned, but I prefer getting my kicks when someone else is in the room with me, and preferably for free, so I left empty handed. Now it’s up to other toy lovers to get Gladstone back on top, i.e.: G-Spot #1

About Greg Bray

The scribbler behind the 'On a Lighter Note' column.
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