Weed Murderer

day-of-the-triffifds-1981-0000

Killing pesky triffids will require quite a lot of hot water.

Folks, it doesn’t rain much over Bray Manor, so when the heavens finally opened up I immediately whipped outside and did a little rain-dance of gratitude on the footpath; which may explain why real estate values at our end of the street have plummeted like a stunned eagle.

But, for the first time in ages my mower is happily hacking down actual grass instead of spraying dust, rocks, dog poo and kids’ toys all over the yard.

Now all I have to do is get rid of the truckload of weeds which have appeared from out of nowhere like unwanted relatives at a will reading.

Traditionally I napalm any unwanted vegetation with a popular weed-killer, but, according to my hippy mate, I might as well be spraying radioactive waste directly into my own mouth.  Well, I did some research and grudgingly admitted he may have a point; but I’m still not buying into his theory regarding fluoride and UFO’s.

Anyway, I checked out his recipe for a ‘natural’ herbicide and while all the products were fairly harmless on their own, e.g.: vinegar, washing up liquid and salt, when combined in large quantities they made a chemical cocktail that was probably just as bad for the environment as any industrial herbicides.  And, after another hour of ‘research’, I was convinced that a garden path full of weeds was probably the least of my problems!

Basically, I decided that the safest method of killing weeds was more hands-on, i.e.: pull them out, or cover them up with a plastic sheet and wait.  But a third option was to pour boiling hot water directly onto them while chortling ‘Death from Above!’

So, I singled out some pavers and sprayed hot water onto the weeds growing between the cracks.  The results?  Well, I was immediately swarmed by angry ants.  The weeds did die a quick, and I’d say fairly painful, death, but now I’m left wondering if burning coal to boil hot water is as bad for the environment as spraying chemical weedkillers.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be in this dilemma if it hadn’t rained!

About Greg Bray

The scribbler behind the 'On a Lighter Note' column.
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