Folks, according to the ancient philosopher, Hagar the Horrible, ‘Friends come and go, but an enemy is for life.’
Well, over the years, I’ve collected a number of mates, casual acquaintances and well-wishers, along with a several people who clap like mechanical toy monkeys whenever I fall flat on my face.
Traditionally, this group was made up of ex-girlfriends, unsporting sporting opponents, and irritable old tradesmen who loathed cheeky apprentices. Fortunately, time, forgiveness, injuries and old age resolved most of those vendettas.
These days most of my enemies appear to be complete strangers. People who abuse me for pointing out something they’ve done to me that they wouldn’t tolerate anyone else doing to them, e.g.: cutting ahead of me in a long queue, waking me up with loud music, letting their dog jump on me at the beach, running me off the road, etc.
Instead of apologising, or accepting any blame whatsoever, no matter how inconsiderate, rude or wrong they might have been, they have the utter cheek to instantly counterattack when called out (aka: Doing a Trump). It’s almost impossible to avoid these clowns lately, but they are giving me a chance to test-drive some fairly creative insults I keep up my sleeve for just such occasions.
Meanwhile, closer to home, I’ve found the fastest way to flush out potential two-faced rivals on ‘Team You’, is to do one of the following:
Easy options: lend out your mower, or money, and expect it back. Express a political viewpoint. Dangle toilet paper out the back of your pants and see who tells you.
Slightly harder: earn a pay rise. Get promoted. Win Lotto. Become seriously ill then see who visits you (you may be surprised at who doesn’t).
Finally, if all else fails, just be yourself; this is guaranteed to infuriate someone sooner or later.
Sadly, each year, I add more names to my ‘People I Will Never, Ever, Trust Again (and this time I really mean it!)’ list.
But, unlike Hagar the Horrible, I won’t be keeping those names on file for the rest of my life; just theirs.