Hot Spandex

SpandexFolks, I’ve been slightly surprised by the flurry of red-faced exercisers hitting the footpaths in the weeks before New Year’s Eve, especially since summer has turned hotter than an irate Trump tweet.

And, it looks like brightly coloured Spandex, a product derived from crude oil, has replaced cotton as the clothing fabric of choice for this these pre-NYE queue jumpers.

Honestly, they might as well be draped in plastic bags!

Because Spandex doesn’t ‘breathe’, it raises your body temperature then traps the excess sweat in unpleasant places. So, our keen exercisers will not only be getting fitter (hopefully), but also learning new terms like ‘Swamp Crotch’, which is about as delightful as it sounds.

Plus, in our sunny, muggy climate, getting overly energetic in clothing designed to baste you, increases your risk of dehydration and heat-stroke. Still, puking your lungs out on the footpath is a sure-fire calorie burner and the vomit will simply slide straight off the shiny outer layer of your new threads. Just ask anyone who’s casually thrown a leg over a bicycle seat, or slid off a sweaty gym bench, how slippery the stuff is.

Still, Spandex appears to have one special, almost magical quality. While, most wearers wouldn’t be seen dead in public parading about in a mini-skirt, or strutting along the beach in a pair of budgie smugglers, or G-string, for some reason, they think nothing of wandering along footpaths in tightly stretched outfits that leave nothing to the imagination, or creates bulges where there shouldn’t be any, e.g.: back boobs!

Like topless sunbathing, it must be OK if everyone else is doing it too? Because we humans tend to constantly compare ourselves to each other in order to be liked, not appear different or stand out too far from the herd, and will happily follow in other’s sweaty footprints and wear fashionable, but impractical, training clobber.

Mind you, no matter what outfit I’m wearing, I couldn’t run out of sight with a two-hour head-start, but I do know this, Spandex is an anagram of ‘expands’, and that’s the only cool thing about it.

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