Folks, do you suffer from insom… Hey! Wake up!

Actually, insomnia is no laughing matter, but that won’t stop me from trying to get a few cheap chuckles from the subject. Mind you, it stopped being funny when I started losing sleep.

All my life I’ve been able to fall asleep faster than a schoolbag hitting the floor on a Friday afternoon, and I still can, but the trick is, staying asleep. For some reason, around two-thirty a.m., I wake up raring and ready to go, spend the rest of the night tossing and turning, then slip into a coma two minutes before my alarm goes off.

Fortunately, that precious couple of minutes of unconsciousness gives me all the energy I need to get through the work da….zzzzzz.

Now, according to Dr. Google, I either have some underlying anxiety, stress or irritation. Obviously, I have all those things because I CAN’T SLEEP YOU ALGORITHMIC IDIOT! Not to mention crankiness.

Apparently, you can go without sleep for around ten days, but much sooner than that you will begin to feel irritable, depressed and start making bad decisions, like ordering the extra set of steak knives from the late-night shopping network. Hallucinations will soon follow, so it’s not all bad.

Anyway, since I Googled my symptoms, pop-up ads offering sure-fire insomnia cures have been appearing on my social media pages. Several offer natural therapies, but bitter experience has taught me that ‘All Natural’ is code for ‘Expensive and Useless’.

Others were plugging prescription sleeping pills but, to my astonishment, the side-effects included drowsiness and memory loss. Deciding that beer already has those symptoms covered, I finally plumped for meditation to quieten my chattering monkey-mind.

Folks, you know the crushing disappointment you feel when you go to the gym three times and don’t look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, well, that’s how I felt having failed to achieve enlightenment after two, five-minute sessions, of meditation.

Apparently, I haven’t given it enough time to work properly, but it’s hard to focus on nothingness when you’re exhausted. Perhaps it would work better if I got some sleep?

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