Auto-Condimenting: ‘Pass the sauce luv’



Remove the lids and stand back

Folks, I have a couple of foibles. Well, I call them foibles, but they’re actually irritating quirks that make Long Suffering Wife commit murder in her heart on a daily basis.


Anyway, one of my little foibles is I’m an auto-condimenter.

Basically, someone who, no matter what meal is placed in front of them, will sprinkle, pour, douse, or slather some sort of condiment onto it.

My personal favourites are tomato sauce, black sauce, mint sauce, lemon squeeze, crushed garlic, Tartare sauce, pepper and a layer of salt so thick your mouth gets parched just looking at it.

Yes, I know it’s hardening my arteries as I type, but I don’t care at this particular time of my life, which I’ve labelled, PHA (pre-heart attack).

It’s hereditary, my Grandfather was an auto-condimenter. No matter what was put in front of him, he’d flood it with Worcester black sauce. By the way, it’s pronounced ‘woost-a-sheer’ and is nearly impossible to say if you have a lisp or missing front teeth.

Now, according to the label, the key ingredients of this wonderful elixir are anchovies, salt, vinegar, molasses, onions and sugar, six of my favourite foods all in one bottle! Seriously, if they could slip some bacon into that recipe I reckon it would become a contender for nectar of the gods.

Just like Grandad, I’ll occasionally fill a tablespoon with Worcester sauce and happily gulp it down. I’m hooked, even if it is dramatically shortening my life, just like it did his.

We auto-condimenters are not the sort of people you want on a cooking show, or in a high-class restaurant where the chefs take their art seriously. Cooks can be a bit temperamental at the best of times and they’re never far from a glittering assortment of sharp implements.

Plus, I’ve discovered chefs get slightly violent if you keep calling them cooks.

So, any chef watching me apply a thick layer of tomato sauce over their creation will probably react by cutting out my heart and roasting it.

Hopefully they’ll serve it with a generous layer of white onion sauce.

About Greg Bray

Greg Bray didn't come from Gladstone, and moved away from the place forever in his twenties then came back and settled down. He is occasionally surprised to discover he's over 50, still enjoying riding his battery powered pushbike 'Pubtruck III' and getting a buzz from writing and publishing blog posts. He is a huge fan of Bill Bryson, Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, Tolkien, Alain de Botton and countless other writers who have made him chuckle (or think) over the years (although he does feel a bit guilty for owning a couple of Jeremy Clarkson books). One day he hopes to bring joy to others through his own scribblings.
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1 Response to Auto-Condimenting: ‘Pass the sauce luv’

  1. Heather Parker says:

    Um – it’s spelled Worcestershire Sauce


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