Edition 1, April 1, Easter 2021
Not to be confused with the brilliant Sadstone Sobserver.
(Get it while it’s hot folks!)
EXCLUSIVE! Dunny J.T. Rump Moving to Sadstone!
Ex-Pressydent to set up new media empire in Straya!
An interview on SpewTube has stunned all of Straya, and thousands of US litigators, as ex-Pressydent of the US of A, Dunny J.T. Rump, declared he was skipping town and setting up shop in Sadstone, Queersland, Straya.
After promising to donate a hefty wad of wampum to Mr Rumps personal charity ‘Dunny Didn’t Do Nuttin’, The Subserver was given exclusive video access to the shy and ever-so humble genius.
Sprawled on an over-sized change table, Mr Rump was having his adult diaper changed by a small team of Mexican labourers. “Great to talk to you,” he said, while the group slipped on their gas masks and bio-hazard suits.
When asked about his shock move Mr Rump stated, “Look, I get a lot of letters, many letters, beautiful letters, from people in Sadstone asking me for money, or wanting me to come and be mayor. So, I said to my lawyers, ‘Why not?’ and they said it would be the perfect place to hole up for a bit. Plus, I hear you have a lot of flat, harbour frontage I could convert to golf courses, once I sell off the coal stockpiles.”
The Subserver was also the first to hear the exclusive news that Mr Rump will be building his own media platform to promote his unique version of the truth, day and night.
“I’ll be back online soon, with the biggest and most beautiful interweb thing ever seen in the world, the galaxy, or the universe,” he said.
“People, so many people, many, many people, beautiful people, came to me and said, ‘Dunny, you’re the most amazing human being ever in history’, and they’re right, I am, ‘we need to hear from you, we can’t live without you’.
“I said, ‘Ok.’ You know I could have been a great plumber. Nobody knows more about crap than me. So, I said to my pretty daughter, ain’t she so hot folks, so hot… anyway, I said to her, ‘Vankie-poo, get Daddy back online,’ and she jumped straight off my knee and got to work.”
The new social media site is to be named, Rump Twatter.
“You know, as soon as this thing gets up, I’m going to Twatt my tiny hands off, I can’t wait to be the number one Twatter In Chief,” Mr Rump mumbled through a gob full of hamberder and covfefe.
Later at a small press gathering outside the Two Seasons Port-a-Potty Clearing House, Mr Rump unveiled a display revealing his plans for his new residence and media empire.
“First I’ll have all the locals around Awkland Hill tear gassed and moved on, then I’ll dynamite the hill to rubble and re-stack the rocks into the shape of the old hill on which I’ll build the classy new Sadstone Rump Hi-Rise, mini-golf pro shop and machine gun firing range. It’ll be so good. So, so good. So beautiful. You’ll see.”
A timeline for Mr Rumps’ arrival has yet to be revealed, and when asked if his lap-wife, Millionia, will be joining him in Sadstone, sources close to the ex-Pressydent confirmed she would at some point, “Just after hell freezes over.”
Dr Seuss Cancels Another Classic
Cancel culture vultures will be delighted to hear the news the good Doctor will no longer be promoting his most famous book, Green Eggs and Ham.
In a statement released last night the publisher said, “Our lawyers have expressed some alarming concerns about this particular title, and we just want to add, ‘KIDS! For the love of God, stop eating green eggs and ham!’ There is nothing remotely funny about salmonella!”
Billyweela Family Ungrateful
The Muppet for Home Raids, Au Pairs and Secret Whistle Blower Journalist Kangaroo Courts, Herr Dutto, was shocked to hear a Billyweela family given an all-expenses paid tropical island holiday, courtesy of Strayan taxpayers, were unhappy with their getaway and wanted to return to Billyweela.
The Subserver caught up with Herr Dutto who was pulling the wings off butterflies and laughing like a hyena. “I’m appalled,” he said, as he swung a highly polished, sharp-toed, boot at a passing poodle, “do you know how many strings I had to pull to get those ingrates out of Billyweela?”
“I mean, have you seen Billo? You’d think they’d be thrilled to be jetted out of the joint in the dead of night!”
The family claimed, via a note in a bottle which washed up on a remote beach, that they were being held prisoner on Anuss Island – Back Passage to the Pacyfic.
“Prisoners?!” snorted Herr Dutto, “Rubbish! They can leave any time they want! All they have to do is scale the security fences, sneak past the machine gun posts, slip through the minefields on the beach and swim a mere couple of hundred kilometres through heavily patrolled, shark infested water.”
“Honestly, some people are never satisfied,” the Muppet hissed as his nervous wife entered the room.
“He’s not a monster!” she squeaked, reading from a small card in her hand.
Ignoring her, Mr Dutto continued, “If you like, I’d be delighted to have you and your family sent there right now for a very, very long time?” he asked.
Our political reporter declined his kind offer by throwing herself out of the nearest window.
Subserver Shuts Down – Millions Saved, Hundreds Happy!
Criminals around Sadstone rejoiced in the streets upon hearing the once mighty organ, the Sadstone Subserver, had been shut down.
As the presses ground to a halt for the final time, a comment was sought from court regular, Mr. Gnasher Knobs, who was busily torching a parked car outside the Police Station.
Top Headlines from the past!
STAY CLASSY GLADSTONE
“Oh yeah, it’s great eh!” said Mr. Knobs lighting a joint off the flame of his Molotov Cocktail, “No more having a camera shoved in ya face when you walk out the court-house, or seeing my name splashed all over the front page of the #&*@^$ rag.”
The Subserver began life in 1854 as a poster decrying the lack of action regarding the overpopulation of mooching dugongs in Sadstone Harbour.
Another classic headline:
Breathing Linked to Long Life!
It grew to become the ‘Braying Voice of Sadstone’, and a popular vehicle used by angry, whining, letter writing, moaners with no life and several large axes to grind.
The Subserver had several owners until it was won in a dodgy game of lawn bowls by Newscorpse’s Despot in Chief, Stupert Mudrake.
In a note delivered by vulture, Mr Mudrake announced he was down to his last $20 billion, and economies needed to be made.
“We saw how much moola we saved by sacking a heap of journo’s a year ago,” Mr Mudrake said from his palatial yacht moored off the Cash Cow Islands, “So, I figured by sacking the lot, I’d save a fortune!”
Since then, the company has been grifting rather nicely off regular multi-million dollar grants fleeced from uninformed Strayan taxpayers.
Back in Sadstone, Ms Crystal Meth stated she was extremely upset by the closure.
“I come third in last year’s Subserver courthouse photo comp, Sexy Stupid Skanks of Sadstone, how am I gunna get to number one now if no bastard reckinizes me? Hey, ya got a ciggy mate?”
CAT MUGS SHOPPERS!
Did Mr Knobs also believe there was a downside to the closure of the once great paper?
“Yeah, I’ll miss reading The Phandummy and my daily horrorscope,” he said, “Plus mum won’t have no more clippings for her Happy Memories scrapbook.”
Sadstone’s Mayor, Counsillyors and other elected officials were unavailable for comment on the closure as they were too busy cartwheeling up and down Gundown Street.
Parlyment House Furniture Wax
Part-time Prime Muppet and full-time Hardware Spruiker, Smirk Moronson, recently announced the arrival of the first batch of limited edition, Parlyment House Furniture Wax.
Eyeing a nicely turned, uncovered chair leg, the Prime Muppet said he had a top team of keen fellas working throughout the night to make the top shelf, desk polishing wax.
“My private members have been pulling some big shifts to produce this stuff, right here, in these chambers,” he smarmed, while holding up a bottle during a recent photo op.
“It appears the lads have taken a real hands-on approach, and they’ve been coming and going at all hours, right under my nose. How good is that?!”
When asked how much it will cost, Mr. Moronson shrugged, “Probably my job?”
O’Dudd Reaches Out to Youth
Federal Member for Fling, Karn O’Dudd, arriving at the wrong venue in a tired and emotional state, made an impassioned speech to a group of Sadstone pre-schoolers yesterday morning regarding the closure of a local coal mine; in Westy Straya.
“It’s a disgrace!” Mr O’Dudd yelled at the startled juniors, many of whom began to cry. “This mine never had the chance to grow old, to leech every drop of groundwater from the nearby farms, to, to… COAL!“
Mr. O’Dudd was then led to a corner, given a cup of milk and a blanky and promptly fell asleep.
Minister for Coal Mining Barons, Mutt Caravan, gleefully backed Mr O’Dudd’s speech.
“Karn knows the future of this great brown land lies in digging up as much coal as I can eat,” Mr Caravan stated between mouthfuls.
“I love the stuff,” he added, rubbing a lump seductively over his shirt and face.
WAIT! We Found this on FarceBook!
Sadstone Mare, Batt Murnett, announced this morning he was resigning from his elected office, effective immediately.
“I’m outta here,” he said. “See that little dot disappearing over the horizon,” he asked, pointing to the ground, “that’s me. Boom! Gone.”
When asked if it was because of the Subserver’s prolonged attacks on his credibility, lack of leadership, brand new $17 million yacht, merciless short person jokes or crooked teeth, the Mare replied, “No… and by the way, screw you too!”
It appears criticism of the recent eight-week garden weeding contract in Gundown St was the last straw. “Look, I didn’t know the contractors were going to rip up the entire footpath to a depth of three metres,” he said. “Honestly, none of us had any idea of how deep those weeds’ roots went.”
The Subserver queried who would be taking over the now vacated role and was surprised when the Mare laughed.
“I’ll tell you who!” he roared, “all the groups of old men sitting outside every coffee shop around Sadstone who think they know how to run this joint better than me. So I’m leaving them to it, and frankly, good luck with that!”
At this point the now ex-Mare donned a pork pie hat, Hawaiian print shirt and puttered off for one last ride on the official e-scooter; straight over our intrepid reporters foot.
Botcher Nominated for Premier!
Sadstone State MP, Glumm Botcher, has been nominated to stand for Premia of Queersland.
An unnamed member of the public who, by sheer coincidence, has the same email address as the Sadstone Sobserver editor, Reg Ray, put the MP’s name forward last week.
The anonymous nominator added that he was sick to death of trying to spell
Anny, Ananst, Anystay… the current Premia’s name.
Also, the Subserver had heard rumours (possibly made up by the bloke delivering water bottles to our office) that Premia
Pallys, Palus… whoever, was planning to charge taxes on rain-water and fresh air!
“This is the last straw!”
I screamed the anonymous nominator said.
“The thing about Glumm is,” he added, “he’s not a bad bloke, and he didn’t give me a speeding ticket last month after I passed out motherless drunk behind the wheel of the faithful Subserver Datsun when he finally pulled me over. Or was that his twin brother Wane?”
Mr. Botcher was contacted for comment but his press secretary reminded us the restraining order was still current and we weren’t to call again.
What’s On This Week
The Callyopee Swingers Club will shuffle to the tunes of local warbler Callyde Cameroon this Saturday afternoon!
Recently returned from a long visit with Her Majesty, Callyde will croon his award-winning protest song, “I’ve Got a Property Full of Gum Trees (Thanks to the Greenies!)”
Show starts at 4pm, supper at 4.15pm, followed by a quick nap, wrapping up at 5pm after an angry, and pointless, rant about pretty much anything and everything.
Tickets $49, but entry free to all women aged 63 to 89 (Note: thrown underwear will not be returned).
Fun for the Kids!
Randy Clapped – The rib tickling adventures of a lazy, dole bludging, womanising, alcoholic, smoking, wife beating, Pommy bastard.
Basically, the perfect candidate for LNP pre-selection!
Bitchin’ Richen – The spoilt brat heir to the Richen fortunes created by his great Grandpappy, Odelle ‘Stinkin’’ Richen.
Rumours that the old man was an infamous bootlegger, cartel boss, standover merchant, macrame expert, pirate and renowned chicken sexer, have yet to be proven as all the investigators met untimely, mysterious and very grisly, ends.
The Phandummy – Yarns of the Presence Who Prances!
But seeing as how he dresses in lycra, and lives in a hot, tropical rainforest, perhaps he should be renamed, The Spirit Who Sweats!
Ghost, ghoul, zombie, whatever, his real gift is a supernatural ability to avoid rotting to a pulp from some rampant, tropical fungal disease.
Daggy the Horrendous – Basically another role model for obese, violent, slobby, looting, pillaging, rampaging drunks.
And is about as historically an accurate ‘Viking’ as an ugh boot made in Venezuela.
Cricket Briefs in Shorts
Due to the now infamous ‘Esky Incident’ at the Sprorts Desk last week, last weekends’ cricket results were not submitted.
But our roving photographer managed to capture this photo shortly before he was fired.
This ‘publication’ is a parody.
Do not ‘Lawyer Up’, threaten to ‘Lawyer Up’ or even think about ‘Lawyering Up’, because I won’t be answering my phone for at least a month.
If you are offended by anything you have read in this year’s Sadstone Subserver Easter 2021, then check the date under the title and give yourself a solid uppercut.
Note: The author will readily admit that he is guilty of crimes against actual humour and good taste.
Yours in Jest,
See ya next Easter!