Today, guest blogger, Blabby St. John Elstonwick, will respond to some of the concerned letters I receive daily from the conservative side of the political
barricade, wall, divide… fence.
I’m a serving moderate LNP minister, and I’ve told Our Glorious Leader, Prime Minister Scott Morrison, that it is possible to be a conservative and believe in climate change. What are your thoughts? Modern Traditionalist of NSW.
Dear Modern Traditionalist, First of all, I’ve looked very hard and I can’t find evidence of any moderate LNP ministers currently ‘serving’ our country, (although there seem to plenty once they leave politics for; some reason?). Secondly, if you’ve really had this discussion with the PM, then brace yourself sir, you’re about to be ‘served’ into the political wilderness faster than a call to a 24-hour couch steam cleaning company.
I live in a modest 10-bedroom domicile in an upper middle-class, leafy suburb, where the sound of expensive saloons can be heard burbling around our exclusive cul-de-sac at respectable times of the day.
One of my neighbours has purchased an EV and he won’t stop talking about it. I am extremely worried he will soon start wearing hemp suits and asking us to be concerned about the environment! Should I decline to invite him to future bridge evenings? Rutherford, P.K of Victoria.
Dear Rutherford, You still play bridge? Most of us have gone back to Monopoly… you, you, Communist you!
My country club has installed solar panels and is using water saving technology to keep the golf course hydrated. Prunella, Margot and I are worried that this is the thin edge of the wedge and we’ll be forced to carry our own golf bags soon! Cressida Felchington-Smythe
Dear Lady! Please, allow me to allay your fears about lugging your designer golf bags around the course in future. A team of developers will soon rezone your golf course for community housing. The great news is, the grass, trees, water and electricity are already in place so that will save a few dollars!
My brother manages a coal mine and is looking very worried about all the clean solar and wind power being generated lately. What can I do? Cosplay Dinosaur from CQ.
Dear Cosplay Dinosaur, I was initially going to suggest you get acquainted with renewable electricity by taking a fork and placing it carefully, but firmly, into the nearest wall socket, but, I’m an enlightened conservative so let me propose this instead: find your brother another job!
Although Lord Murdoch is working overtime to keep our worst secrets from getting out, internal polling suggests Labor might actually win the next election! To prepare for such a nightmare, should I divest the rest of my kickbacks to the Caymans and purchase an escape room in a somewhat more conservative friendly part of the world, like the basement of Trumps’ villa in Mar a Lago? Offshore Angus.
Dear Offshore Angus, No. Mar a Lago, like most of Trumps’ dealings, is built on very shaky ground over a filthy swamp. You’ll be up to your neck in mud in no time at all, like the dying fish in the Murray-Darling Rivers.
I usually work a couple of months of the year, in between taking frequent, free holidays overseas. Recently I worked two whole weeks in a row sorting out several large messes I’d created. My finger is getting very tired from having to point it at others’ all the time.
I am keen to enjoy a free trip to Scotland soon, but worry that the other guests at my luxury hotel will treat me with contempt because I sort of keep lying to them. Can you help me? Blameshifter of Canberra
Dear Blameshifter, You don’t have to go all the way to Scotland to get the sort of contempt you can get for free here at home.
I am the leader of a prominent political party hoping to win office at the next election. Would raising my green credentials help improve my popularity? Mr Wishy Washy
Dear Mr Wishy Washy, Are you really sure you want to inherit the mess this mob have made? Still, why not? Give it a go, I mean, seriously, you couldn’t do any worse and what have you got to lose.
Weatherboard NINE! GreeNies! Burp! Stuff politicians! SheEp! CoalnGAS! Free dRinks! Big hat! Rm WiLliams! Gina! Blarney Bluster, Sheep Drench Pastures
Dear Blarney, The medication! For goodness sake take the pills son! Where’s your minder?!
Hello Dear Reader, this article first appeared in the Regrow Queensland e-zine. Check it out!